Some days are good Momma days and some are not.
That’s the bargain in becoming a parent; no one is ever guaranteed that your life with small children is going to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. In fact, most days are poo-filled and spent keeping toddlers occupied and safe. Small kidlets, especially those of the boy variety, tend to have this dare-devil complex. They like to test their boundaries, push their limits, and fight what anyone with authority tries to tell that what’s right.
My children are no exception to this. For all I know, they might be the only ones who do this.
Today is a not so fabulous Momma day. Today I sat in my car in a dirty gas station in a super bad part of town (in non-politically correct terms, the ghetto) trying not to cry my eyes out.
Luke has this habit of squeezing Reagan really hard. Like, really hard. He does it when he’s mad, when he’s happy, when he’s excited, when he’s frustrated. He uses her poor arms as a way to release any kind of emotion that he has bottled up in his skinny little body. She has scratches and bruises up and down her arms to show as battle wounds.
Today was the last straw. I had buckled Reagan in her car seat, Luke had partially buckled himself in his car seat, and I was loading groceries into the back of the car. During the time that I was occupied, he had unbuckled himself and proceeded to squeeze Reagan so hard that she was screaming. Typically when this happens, she’ll cry for a minute or two, but not this time. This time she screamed and pleaded because her arm hurt so bad. She didn’t want to move her arm and wouldn’t hold it up for me (I was driving already now). At this point, I was concerned that her poor arm had been broken.
Her arm isn’t broken, but she does have a fairly serious war wound on her forearm and I have a serious case of Mommy Guilt happening right now.
I am worried for the safety of my daughter. I am so angry at my son. And I hurt for both of them.
Someone recently asked me: How were Luke’s Terrible Twos? In all honesty, I don’t remember. Reagan was new and a super-tough baby. She screamed and was unhappy more often than not. If that same person would ask me today how four is, I could resoundingly say a challenge. It’s hard when you love this little person you helped to create so much, but you feel like you are failing at teaching them how to be a respectable human being.
Between the Husband and I, we’ve tried time outs, taking away things he loves, squeezing him back, long talks about making good choices and being nice to his sister, rewarding him for good behavior, and even spanked him a time or two.
What am I missing? Is there some chapter of the Motherhood Manual that I missed along the way? Do you have any other helpful suggestions that might help him to understand he can’t hurt his sister? I don’t want to end up looking like this every time we go out in public:
This is not how I Luke or myself to remember his childhood. How do I make this better?
Boy oh boy. I hear ya girl!!! My son just turned 5, I have a daughter who is 3 and a 1 year old. I am asking myself the same question a lot these days. My 3 year old is the one he likes to “bug”. He seems to do quite similar things but also screams at her, takes her things etc. Much of it (from what I hear) is pretty typical for siblings. But I like you, won’t stand for the hurting others part. I wish, oh how I wish I had an answer. If you find anything that works, PLEASE post about it.
I’m not one to jump at the “therapy” wagon but maybe it’s something that someone with Early Childhood Development training might have answers about? All the discipline methods you mentioned would have been the suggestions I would have given so I don’t have any new ideas to add. Maybe someone trained in child development or child psychology might have some techniques that you could try? (just grasping) It’s certainly not easy being a mommy. I hope you find the solution you are looking for!
Oh, Love, here is a great big hug! Days like that are hard. Sometimes crying does help. Release those emotions and start fresh. As for Luke, maybe he needs more mommy time. Could it be a call for attention? Or does he have too much energy bottled up? My crew (4 kids, ages 7 to newborn) will be naughty because of those. Just a thought. You are doing a GREAT job! Don’t worry.
I also had a son like that and my suggestion would be to take him to a therapist before he does something worse. Back in my days they just said he was hyperactive! My daughter has scars left from him and every time I see them I feel responsible…even though I know in my mind they’re not my fault. You can’t watch over them 24/7. Hope this helps.
Oh my heart goes out to you
It is indeed the greatest blessing and the hardest job all wrapped in one to be parents! I am a mommy of 4 grandma of 10 and taught for years so I have seen a few kids act out. I would do a two part redirect. First he needs to understand in 4 yr old words he is hurting his sister… use words to get to his heart. Recall a time he was hurt by someone and put a very painful image in his head that he understands remind him often she hurts when he does that. Second I would give him something else to use. A soft snake comes to my mind since it would be about the size or her little arm but a soft ball or anything that is small and goes wherever he goes. I would also watch and see what he does when his sister is not around to release those same feelings. He has learned to use the arm and it will take a while to help him learn to use something else during that time I would keep talking, givng him timeouts and most of all each time he goes close to her remind him about the pain he would cause her if he were to do that to her little arm. I would talk a LOT about how he is hurting her so he understands in a 4 yr old way. I have followed your blog for a while now and you are doing a WONDERFUL job with the kids…we all have things our kids did that made us stop and wonder what we missed 
This mommy/grandma is praying for you!
My heart goes out to you. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. I wish I had the soloution for you. Carol had some very wise words in her comment. I hope they work for you. What I can tell you is after following your blog for awhile now it is obvious to me that you are a concerned, involved,loving mom. Please don’t beat yourself up. Our kids are such different individuals and what works for one may not work for the other. I am sure you will find the answer to this painful situation. When you do, the words you share on your blog may be just the answer another hurting mom needs to see.
Hugs, Catherine
I went through this a few weeks ago. I cried for 3 days straight because I felt so out of control when it came to my child’s behavior. I think sometimes we hit bottom and we don’t know what else to do, instead of being proactive we blame ourselves and think about what we should have done differently. My husband is gone a lot, he is a rescue swimmer in the Navy, and not only does he blame himself for being gone all the time, I then blame myself because I lose patience so easily while he’s away….Sometimes talking it out doesn’t seem to work, time outs just get old, and spanking…well spanking make you feel worse after the fact! So what now?! I did some research on how to discipline a stubborn child and let me tell you, she fit every description I read about stubborn children! With a little reading and a couple drinks, I felt so much better and realized that it wasn’t me….now I am just learning how to handle my stubborn 3 year old along with my whinny 18 month old. Just give yourself a few days and you’ll feel much better. But know that it’s normal to feel like you have lost control every now and then. A child’s job is to test us! All we need to do is be patient, listen, and guide them in the right direction. I hope you feel better love!