Do you ever have something on your heart that you feel needs to be said? That no matter how hard you try, you just can’t shake the feeling that you need to express your feelings, to let go of the heaviness that weighs on you? That’s exactly where I’ve been and what I’ve been feeling since Sarah was about a month old.
Breastfeeding seems to be quite the hot topic so I was admittedly scared of being vulnerable and honestly, I’m still scared but its time. It’s time to share my struggles and my successes. It’s time to share the vast differences that are my three experiences in breast feeding. It’s time to be me.
Part One: Luke
To know why Sarah’s breastfeeding story is what it is, I feel like you need the full back story as well, so I’m starting way back at the beginning. When I was pregnant with Luke, I wasn’t sure that I was actually cut out for this whole breastfeeding thing. I’m a super modest person and the thought of being so exposed really creeped me out. I mean, having to nurse in public?! Never!
And then my sweet baby boy was born.
My entire outlook on breastfeeding changed. A light switched on and I was bound and determined to try as hard as possible to make this thing work. I was going to be able to feed my son with all of the nutrients and calories that he needed to grow, to thrive. We were a team and we were going to make this work.
Luke’s two week well-check offered me a rude awakening. My baby who’d been 8 lbs. 11 oz. at birth was now less than 8 lbs. He wasn’t gaining weight and it was such a drastic change that his pediatrician told me he was becoming close to be a “failure to thrive” baby.
I was devastated. In all of my post-partum, anxiety-laden glory, I was a wreck. Not only was I unsure of how this whole parenting thing was supposed to work out with the lack of sleep, but now I was told that I couldn’t do the most basic and natural thing I could think of: nurse my child. I called my husband sobbing because I was failing as a mother. I had no clue Luke wasn’t getting enough; he never cried or fussed. He was the most angelic, calm baby, never demanding for more food. My body didn’t do what it was supposed to and I didn’t know how to deal with that disappointment.
After having a massive pity party for the rest of the day, it was time to come up with a plan of action. After talking with The Husband, my mom, and a couple of my closest friends, I formulated a plan: I would nurse and bottle feed Luke at every feeding. Yep, you read that right — I nursed and bottle fed at every. single. feeding. I wanted to make sure that Luke received the beneficial nutrients of my milk, but the adequate calories that the formula could provide.
It was a labor of love and one that I happily dealt with. I had found a way to make both my heart and my head happy and we happily trucked along for the next six months until I realized that my milk supply was dwindling at an alarming rate. Pumping more, taking supplements that are supposed to boost production, and breastfeeding more often did nothing more than stress me out. I nursed Luke for the last time on his seven month birthday.
Luke has obviously turned out well. At six years old, he’s off the charts for his height, can add double digit numbers in his head with ease, has a kind heart and loving heart, and loves to play any kind of sport we throw his way. While mine and Luke’s breastfeeding story didn’t turn out exactly as I’d hoped, it ended up being exactly what was best for us.
Reagan’s story comes next and it’s nothing like Luke’s. In fact, all three of my children all had vastly different stories. Stay tuned for Part Two: Reagan!
I look forward to the others! You have piqued my interest! Breastfeeding is so fascinatingly different for everyone, and I enjoy hearing about other people’s stories in a non-statement-making-or-confrontational way. Girl, bottle AND breast?!?! You are a ROCKSTAR!!!!! My sister’s baby was like that – so quiet and peaceful, and then they saw she was losing weight! Once my sister stopped breastfeeding (which was heartbreaking for her, but the right decision based on her own seriously non existent milk production and emotional state) and started with bottle the baby was still a good baby, but suddenly had a voice! So interesting.
I have the opposite problem: oversupply. It is a HUGE blessing for my babies, and I am DEFINITELY grateful, but it does not come without trials either. The engorgement, constant plugged ducts, and recurring mastitis are BRUTAL. I was so miserable with Callum that I would sob and sob that I wanted to stop – but I COULDN’T! Even feeding him a little late would get things so backed up I’d get hardened lumps that Logan would have to massage out as hard as he could as Cal fed and I cried! YIKES! Luckily, things were much more manageable with Jade b/c I knew what I was doing and how to spot the problems coming and treat them right away before they got too bad.
I have concluded that regardless of what side of the spectrum you are on, breastfeeding is a big time physical and emotional sacrifice for moms! And that you are a ROCKSTAR. Love ya! 🙂